danceofflame_import: (Fox-woman)
[personal profile] danceofflame_import

The old showerhead, belonging to one of the old showers-those kind that have an oval shaped shower rod, that go over those clawfoot bathtubs, you know those?-sputtered as it started the water for my shower. I hardly cared enough to shower these days, but if I didn’t, he’d be angry. I stripped, as the water heated and steam filled the room.

“Shit, the towels!” I’d forgotten them, which isn’t entirely abnormal, so I sprinted naked to the bedroom to fetch them, and sprinted back before too much steam escaped from the door. I loved my hot showers, and the little bathroom being well able to turn itself into a sauna was one of it’s assets.

I had not, this time, forgotten my hairbrush, and I soaked up the steam like a sponge while I brushed my hair. I didn’t have long, though…my hair was almost as spongy as my skin, and soon enough it’d be too wet to brush. So, a few seconds later, I shook my hair out and climbed in.

“Mmm…warm…” It was a pleasant enough feeling to bring a ghost of a smile to my face for a fleeting second.  I hardly cared about anything anymore, as I’d given up about most things in my life. Showering seemed a superfluous expense of money and effort, so did eating. The internet was used by both my boyfriend and I, so that wasn’t an indulgence…that I could indulge in as much as I liked without really having to bother about effort or extra expense.

My boyfriend, though, didn’t seem to agree. He got angry when I didn’t shower at least every two days, telling me that if I was going to be without work, I could at least keep busy, not be lazy. I could at least keep clean. And so, no matter that I would simply get verbally beaten for using up more of the costly items, I showered.

I sunk into my thoughts, about the day, the week, my life, while I was showering. Why couldn’t he just get it? Why couldn’t he just be less of an asshole? Didn’t he care? Didn’t he-

“OW! Motherfucker!”

I looked down to find that I’d cut my leg shaving, something else I always had to be sure I did. I was suddenly fascinated, transfixed by the bright stream of red coursing down my leg. I could smell the copper. Blood…huh. I stopped moving, stopped pissing, and simply tried to understand the fact that I could feel. That I was alive. I simply could not comprehend it.

You see, I’d started to wonder, in my partially self-created hell, whether or not I was truly real. Whether or not I was actually alive…wondered if I was simply dead, moving around like an animated corpse. I made zombie jokes about myself sometimes, which on occasion degraded into Jesus zombie jokes-who hasn’t made one?-but I really did doubt that I was alive. I had long ago become numb. Long ago I had forgotten what it was to feel anything, though those rules seemed to disappear when I was fighting with him. When he was not home, when we were not fighting, I felt nothing. Nothing but the dull pain of breaking in my mind, slowly driving me mad. I had even started to become physically numb…partially to deal with the pain, partially to deal with what always came when we entered that end room that held our queen bed.

I had been alive once. I had to have been; I had reached physical adulthood, I had curves and a mature if severely underweight body, which meant that I must have been alive, living, long enough to achieve that.

But that was long ago, before him, before my hell, before I had to turn off and cut away piece by piece of myself in order to survive, in order to keep hold of my sanity. Now, I was broken, numb, un-whole, deadened. Just a degraded deconstructed shade of a being…starting to wonder if I was just walking cold.

So when I felt the cut of the blade, felt the searing white hot heat of overly-hot shower spray hitting wound, saw the thick stream of crimson copper down my leg, I didn’t understand. How could this be? How could I be displaying signs of life? How could I be feeling this? I was alive? “I wonder…what if I just…started being less careful? That‘s not bad, is it?”

No. Unforgivable. Unallowable. I would need to kill off more of the broken shards. I was not permitted life. A deconstructed half-being, I must always be.

**This entry was written for LJ Idol**

Date: 2010-11-13 01:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was such a powerful entry. It was very raw and full of emotion.

I've never been one who cut herself, but I've heard a lot of people describe the feeling just as you did here.

Date: 2010-11-13 04:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. I was hoping it came out well. This isn't fiction, so it was rather hard to write, and I wasn't sure how it came out. I just couldn't edit it anymore.

*nods* I was not addicted to cutting myself at this point, but it was the start of the thoughts that led up to a bad addiction about a year later. I'm still not over it; even though I haven't relapsed in quite some time, I still on occasion have a strong pull to. This occasion I wrote of was a sheer accident.

Date: 2010-11-13 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was full of pain for the reader sorrow and hopelessness,

nice piece of work.

Date: 2010-11-13 04:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. That's about what I was feeling at the time of the instance: sorrow and hopelessness. I'm probably not going to depress people with too many posts like this, but on occasion they work. ;)

Date: 2010-11-13 04:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow. You must have dug deep for this one. Well done.

Date: 2010-11-13 05:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. It's one of the clearer memories of the time, the rest are rather fragmented and fuzzy, and so it was frankly one of the only ones I could write of. As a writer, it did take some effort to get it right. Or, as "right" as I could get it.

Date: 2010-11-13 04:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You did a great job. Whether or not it is right (for therapeutic purposes) probably doesn't matter. I've been with my siblings recounting childhood situations that were somewhat traumatic. We each had a different version of what had happened and we all thought our version was right. In the end, it didn't really matter. Obviously, your situation is different than mine, but I realized I had only remembered a tiny part of the story. That's okay. Getting it out and writing through it probably does.

Anyways, big hugs. Great entry. Good luck this week. ;)

Date: 2010-11-14 10:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. :) Yeah, I'm not sure on accuracy as my memories are all pretty broken up from the time, but yep-getting it written got it out of my head.

Thank you very much. :) You as well.

Date: 2010-11-13 11:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You really managed to pull me into this, I love how you get the grey semi-wakefulness across. Also, love the sparse comments interjected into the story, they really help with the flow.

Date: 2010-11-14 10:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you, very much. :) I wasn't really sure if, as a writer, I did well with this-it's so personal. I'm glad to hear I did. ^.^

Date: 2010-11-13 07:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That nick with the razor, a reality check. You did a great job composing this!

Date: 2010-11-14 10:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. :) I wasn't sure how I did, as this wasn't fiction, and I'm glad to hear I did. And hehe...well, the nick SHOULD have functioned as a reality check, but instead all it did was confuse the hell out of me. ;) I understood more later on, fortunately.

Date: 2010-11-13 08:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Great entry. This is very sad and I feel like I'm there, in the shower, feeling the emotions.

Date: 2010-11-14 10:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. I hope I didn't depress you too much.

Date: 2010-11-14 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Not possible, I'm already there, complete with psychologist, psychiatrist, and a bunch of meds for different mental health diagnoses, so don't worry about depressing me. It's good when I can relate to some piece of writing.

Date: 2010-11-16 01:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
:-/ I feel you. I'm not lucky enough to be able to afford a psychologist, and I don't favor medication so the psychiatrist doesn't count with me, but I've got the list of diagnoses...and the depression. This was a few years ago, and I don't think it's as bad now as it was, but I can relate as well.

I hear you. It's odd, when you find one that pings...that sort of "holy crap, someone else gets it".

Date: 2010-11-16 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm so glad you are doing better now than before. I just was hospitalized in August for anxiety, and have been dealing with lots of other issues, so it's all fresh in my mind right now.

I think most humans want to not feel alone so hope someone gets how they think and feel. Having Asperger's a lot of people don't get me so when someone does it's exciting.

Date: 2010-11-16 03:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh geez, I'm sorry to hear. :-/ I hope it gets easier for you quickly. One of the list of diagnoses of mine is General Anxiety, so I can sympathize.

Oh yeah, I agree, that's pretty normal. I don't have Aspergers so I'm not as good on an experiential level, but I guess that doesn't matter for the some things we're alike in. It's the same with me, the whole excitement thing. Almost an "OMGOMGOMG XIE GETS IT OMGOMG!". *sheepish*

Date: 2010-11-16 11:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm doing better only thanks to meds and a good therapist and hard work. At least I'm improving.

Date: 2010-11-15 05:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
How sad :(

Date: 2010-11-16 12:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Merps, sorry, I didn't mean to depress you. O.x

Date: 2010-11-15 11:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
very raw... great piece of writing... :)

Date: 2010-11-16 12:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*g* Thanks, Charlie.

Date: 2010-11-16 12:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I wish I could say I've never felt this way, but I'd be lying.

I wish I could say I could put this feeling into better words than you, but I'd be lying then as well.


Date: 2010-11-16 12:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
o.o Wow...thank you. That's...quite a compliment. o.o

I hope you're doing better by far now than I was at the time.

Date: 2010-11-16 01:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Medication. Exercise. A patient, caring spouse...

A lot better. I hope you are as well.

Date: 2010-11-16 01:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm glad to hear. :) Especially about the spouse part, you're lucky there. :)

It's been up and down since then, mostly due to a lot of paradigm shifts and self-development. Not all of it was happy, but I'm still chugging along. ;)

Date: 2010-11-16 07:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well done - intelligent exploration of a single action (the cut).

Date: 2010-11-16 11:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. :)
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