danceofflame_import: (Firedancer)
[personal profile] danceofflame_import
Hey everyone. Sorry about randomly disappearing off the face of the planet for however long it was. I promise, it wasn't anything personal. I'm not quite ok yet, but I'm...getting there. And I'll be trying to get back up with this internet thing I've heard of. Might not be back into my "post every day or almost" swing of things immediately or even quickly, but I'll be trying to get back into it in whatever pace happens.

The first week I was gone, I was with Donn for the most part. I came back for an hour or few to check on the family back at the body, to reorient myself to here-time, all that jazz. But, three or four (five? I can't remember) days in my subconscious, still in shadow-work mode it seems, started taking advantage of there being peace and calm and quiet in my mind to fill the space with I think the nastiest shadow-work I've ever done. He tried for two or three days (this-world time) to get me back to where I was-resting and at peace-but ultimately that failed, and at the end of the first week the body had also had its fill of me being gone and fronting went all to shit. I really AM the grounding point for the Network. >_> Most if not all the fronters ended up squashed into a (really painful) cofront no matter what we did (and we did quite a bit to get around it), which in the end I finally managed to untangle and smooth out....but which burnt out everyone involved and actually injured the majority of us to some degrees. The next day I was too crapped out from that to front, so instead I kept inside the frontspace (or in an inactive cofronting seat, perhaps? I can't entirely remember), and some of the elves (actually, Kaelurien and his father are the two that I can remember, though there were two others) and [personal profile] silverblade  fronted. Their energy was all the front could take. [personal profile] aiden_firestar  offered to help front, but being a Jotun he had too much chaos in his energy for the front to handle without going boom like it had the day before. *wry grin* [personal profile] silverblade  was a sweetheart and helped me front during the anime-night that night, basically by letting me run the motions of the body and letting me watch the movies while fronting from the cofront, while he kept prime. Regarding our front, it means he gave me the benefit of the evening while actually being the one in main front.

After that I was home, and in front about 50% of the time, but dealing with the bunches of crap that my subconscious threw at me when I was up (out? Whatever) with Donn. As it turns out a lot of it had to do with my task for Silver. There was some of the nastier (and, unfortunately, still-raw) shit that happened to me that traumatized me to varying degrees, that affected my's some of the damage control He wants me doing. In the end it was way too much, and I was too much into it. It's why I disappeared on you guys after I came back home, and why the posts from my headmates mostly stopped. I was so overloaded I couldn't even take what I was taking, I couldn't even think about handling anyone else's lives, good or bad. It was more information, and that I couldn't handle without snapping. And that failed anyway-a few days ago I snapped, literally lost it. I had to ask Silver to pull me out of my own head, because I couldn't do it myself, and I'm not entirely sure how successful it was...but He did, I think.

Last night I had the worst flashback I've had in....fuck, weeks at least, months I think. I'd been full of barely-managed triggers for weeks as it was, last night it came to a head. And then right before I slept, after I was calmed enough to be able to re-take front (I had to leave it because I was pulling the body with me into the whole flashback thing), I find out one of my daughters was killed. One of my small ones, maybe 7 or 8. I...don't really bother with most notices of when anyone dies or is born unless they're a fronter, because it's frequent enough that I'd find it obnoxious and superfluous if I were reading my shit, but this matters in the scheme of things. 

(Now that I think about it, maybe I could also say that I was overdoing it in my ongoing work for Black. Or focusing too much in one area and not enough in the others? Ehhh, details, afterthoughts. I'm wearing the necklace I made Her, either way, just to recenter myself and remind myself who the hell I actually am despite all this shit I'm digging up and dealing with.)

I' I said, not quite ok yet. I'm taking at least a day off of shadow-work. The last time I was this overloaded was three years ago, when the Morrighan and who knows who or what else (and life in general) were handing me so many curveballs that I was this overloaded 24/7. I used to describe it like a pressure cooker full of stew that, when 100% capacity was reached, had 2-7% of the steam let off, wash rinse repeat...except on occasion someone would forget to let off the steam for too long and it'd explode and the scalding hot stew would spew all over the kitchen and everyone in it. Picture that that pressure cooker and the stew (getting progressively more mooshy and akin to goopy mashed potatoes the longer this goes on) is my brain. And then picture that the people letting off the fractional percentages of steam (and unfortunately then getting covered in exploding goo) are the few people I can handle talking to while I'm at that point. It's rather apt. Back then I was doing this 24/7 without much of a conscious choice in the matter, and while yes, technically a person CAN live like that, it's not healthy, it's not safe, and with me it means that if it goes on too long I cease to be functional or stable. Therefore, break. The part of my brain that has a major failure complex has not accepted that I will need three months with Silver (at this rate I might with Red, too, but that remains to be seen), but it's certain at this point that I will. I still have a long way to go and I will need far more than two weeks/however much is left of this moon cycle.

Now, that being said, things haven't all been fail, not even with Silver. He seemed to be afraid that I would run from Him permanently because of the hell I needed/need to deal with for His task, but I've never had any intention of that. I...tend to face the biggest challenges head on, with more fervour than the "lesser" ones, for better or worse, and I've never accepted failure as an option. I will, eventually, succeed in His task, and that means not running from Him. That is simply all there is to it. I mentioned the silver bracelet I was gifted with before I dropped off the face of the planet, and that does indeed reside on the Color's altar when I'm not wearing it. It is now a comfortable (and comforting) reminder of both Him and my elvan heritage. (Yes, the irony that it's a bracelet strikes me, given the content of the books, but I didn't exactly CHOOSE the type of jewelry. :P)

Red being around (even though currently one of the downsides of things is that while my non-mundane senses are functioning, the body's aren't, and I have to work around and through that, which is basically like trying to work through a morning swamp fog) means that my artist switch, amongst others, is going THROUGH THE ROOF. Lessee...

-I got paid in full up front by the bio-uncle for the Christening Gowns I'm making, and I now have all the materials I need to sew them....except for the elastic and buttons (which I forgot to buy) and my giant box of quilting pins (which apparently disappeared in the move from Denver to Colorado Springs? and thus needs replacing. BAH), which will be picked up on Saturday, along with dropping off applications at JoAnn's, Souper Salad, and Michael's.

-Apparently we have picked up cross-stitch (with intent to move into hand-embroidery, since we have a "basic how-to" book on each) as a hobby. O.o What's even stranger (to me), is that I'm really enjoying it. See, the bio-mother taught us to cross-stitch when we were a child, and at the time we just could not pick it up. Not enough patience, not the right kinds of pretty pictures, whatever. Now, after years and years of thinking that I hate the art, I come out front to find that on top of the materials for the christening gowns we've picked up a metric ton of embroidery floss as well as two beginner books, some basic supplies, and a small 5x7 pre-packed cross-stitch kit. O.o Now, getting cross-stitch things WAS in the plans, as I am ending up cross-stitching the symbols to be added to the bodices of my cousin's gowns, but the rest of it was NOT in the plans. Then I come home, fight with the (small) piece of cloth in the kit and the (less small) hoop for ages, finally get it started, and find myself addicted. The shit? O.o Hey, whatever works. (Actually, there is a probability that there will be much more to it soon enough, but until I can actually be sure enough to say anything it stays My Eebil Sekrit (tm).)

-I have resigned myself to the fact that while we will still be aiming for NDK this year, it is likely far more feasible a thought to pull it off if we focus on making our black/chain dance gear wearable instead of trying to create a whole different set of garb. Reason being, we already have most if not all of what we need to achieve the next stage in wearing said black/chain dance gear, if we can only FIND it. Therefore, my brain's been going on how exactly I want to spruce up our dance gear. I can haz ideas. It will require getting our fabric (and harem pants, if we didn't have the presence of mind to pack them. O.x) back from Choriss, but that should be easily feasible. We're trying to do that whole friends thing anyway. I just wish I could find the rest of our aluminum chain...

-I am still working on the gift-portrait for non-DW friend of mine. It's actually coming along charmingly, though it will of course need some fine tuning once I'm done. There's stylized knotwork around the edges, and the entire thing's in pencil. I have to clean up smudges and spruce up the shading. I'm very much enjoying this, and I'm thinking I'll probably start another one once I'm finished. I'd actually love to get a sketchbook for this purpose, but I'm not entirely sure if I want to invest in one-I'm not sure if I'd USE it all.

-Cooking. :D I have the utter glee of living with a boyfriend who spoils me rotten with praise of my cooking, and better yet, praise that is actually meant. *heh* He tries a bit too hard not to injure my chef's ego, I think, when I make a dish that's less than perfect, probably thinking I'll go boom or waily on him (not so, since he's polite about it, though it IS a bit much). But either way it means that I'm very much enjoying cooking again now, instead of living with Choriss when cooking was putting bunches of energy into meals to have him robotically get food, shovel it into his mouth mostly unthinking, and zombie back into his pixels. Any domestic anything I did was taken for granted by Choriss; not so with [personal profile] magelvh77 . Even if he doesn't say anything I can see and feel his notice and often enough appreciation of it, and that's WHEN he doesn't say anything-he often does. Cooking and being domestic is actually enjoyable when the other person in the area actually appreciates the efforts.

I'm still having trouble finding out how to complete the rest of Her task. How to identify lost passions and how to get them back. *sighs* It's why I'm frustrated and thinking that I'll need another month. She's frustrated too, though I'm not sure whether it's for the same reasons as I am, because I'm actually doing well and just haven't gotten it through my head yet, or for reasons I'm not aware of. Ehhhh, either way, I'll figure it out.

Oh lets see, what else. [personal profile] magelvh77  and I have developed a lovely weekend routine of going out to a few places on Saturday, even if we don't pick anything up while we're out, and going to anime nights on Sunday evenings. We rest and are either gamers or artists (both of which we both are) in between. I am a person who needs distraction and variety with my people interactions, and a certain degree of privacy and time to myself, but I'm generally finding I don't mind the day to day interaction with him. That's a first. O.o The way sleep schedules are working out while we're still job-hunting are likely helping, but I suppose we've just got more compatibility in personalities than I've experienced before. Mind you, I still need to get out and do things on my own and with other people, in time, but I'm finding my living situation rather...well, comfortable, than I'm used to. Even with the crap I'm dealing with I'm smiling and laughing more, even enough for me to notice.

On the...I still hesitate to call it the "religious" side of things, but that's close enough...the part of my life that revolves around my deities and the labyrinthian connections of my life to, so far as I can tell, decent. It's so strange, having things with Them migrate back towards...well, just basic interactions, akin to talking to Them like, you know, people and family. But that's what it is. I set some bits of meals and snacks out for Them (not every time, but more often than not) once I'm done cooking, and They certainly get some of the fire and incense from the tea-lights (sometimes scented with oil) and sticks of incense that I light, but that's a side thing, not huge amounts different than handing a plate of food to magelvh77, although I do hail Them and send the energy upward.

No, it's migrating back towards chatter/conversation, Them following me around off and on (I'm not quite visiting Them as actively as I did yet), and even the normal jibes we used to toss back and forth. Not much different than a conversation or few had in-house between family. It's pleasant for more reasons than one; most of Them do pop down on and off to keep an eye, but 90% of it's telepathic communication, which is how it used to be and which is honestly the most comfortable for me. It's not like I don't like Them being around (hence the 10-??% of Them popping down on occasion, and me going up to visit when I can, albeit that's not much lately), but the telepathy a) keeps me psychically tuned, and b) is much more efficient at keeping the connection between me and Them clear, strong, and healthy. I actually managed to tease Freyja and get an equally mocking pout in exchange for it, the other day, which if you've been paying attention is a small but major detail to note. *heh* Of course, it probably helps that it's Spring. Freyr is still Mr. Quiet, but I can sense Him lurking when I look. Eventually I'm going to nag Him like I did last year and break through that damn shell of His. I pulled it off once, I can do it again.

I'm not entirely sure to whom I'll be passed off on Monday. Sunday's my last day with Donn. He told me a solid two weeks, when I got passed off to Him, and that two weeks will be up on Sunday. Of course, like with the last two, I'm a bit sulky at having to change out (I like to have my cake and eat it too. >.>), but there's no practical sense in it. He and I have little personal things to work out (though since I'm still pulling the "I'm in several places at once" and in His place even though I'm at home, I might allow my curiosity to get the better of me and ask Him a bunch of questions regarding Him and I), and most of what He's able to do for me rest-wise has been accomplished. If I manage to be in a good spell of rest by the time Sunday night comes around, I might ask for an extra day, or a gradual pass-off, a day of limbo or some such, but that's all-the PRACTICAL use for focusing on Him is passed, and as fond of me as He is, He's a pragmatist. And besides-He's been one of the ones that's always been closeby, and He tells me He's not going anywhere through the warm season (unlike some of my other cold-season deities who hibernate in the warm). If I DO need Him, He's there. I never actually asked Him how many people He chooses, or what He looks for in them, but I get the feeling that it's not many and they're very closely watched.

On a rather personal level, I...kind of want to either make or have made a little pendant for Him. I have little tokens for all my patrons (or will, damnit), and necklaces are a favored one for me. And for more reasons than just because they're jewelry, although that's certainly part of it (I've developed a remarkably increased love of, and selectiveness with, jewelry since belonging to Freyja, especially over the past almost-two years, once She told me She wanted me wearing more jewelry and, upon me telling Her that She'd have to find me reasons for it, obliging me). For Donn, I want a leather cord/thong, with a piece of deer antler as the pendant. If the artist is skilled in small enough, I'd like there to be a small painting of an Irish (ie: not tropical) ocean, from the POV of standing on the shore.

Given a few things, in time I might be writing a bit about a couple Goddesses who've been trying to get Their hands on me for approximately two years (and now that I think about it, it took directly using two mortals for one, and using two mortals (one indirectly and one directly) for the other, to finally even get me to cave an inch). I'm not sure I will yet, to be honest, because I'm not sure what exactly I have to write. But for different reasons (or perhaps the same in the end, who knows?) neither are going anywhere, so I seem to have time. Given the fact that They are godDESSES, ie female, and given a few other factors, it's really hard for me to handle.

I don't deal well with women. Not even female-leaning androgynes. I have a really hard time trusting them, and if you're female (or, if a system, female bodied, since frustratingly I find that the estrogen tends to affect even trans-guys and/or multiple systems, albeit very little with some lucky guys), consider yourself lucky if I trust you one iota, consider yourself a rare gem if I can say "I trust you" to you. I try not to apply the bias (yep, trauma based, and it's to women in general, albeit mother-types by leaps and bounds) to people like, as mentioned, trans-guys who...aren't female, and thus really don't deserve it. But it's there, and I am ashamed to say I never succeed 100%, even if I get close. >.> Either way it makes the fact that I have two goddesses trying to tap me problematic for me and something of a huge degree of triggerfail. This without the triggerfail that I can't explain, tied to one of Them.

One of them had what I call a ditz-moment and didn't take a hint when I tried to get Her to back off, thinking that because Kushiel didn't step up to defend me (He WOULD have, mind, had I a) done what I could to get Her to respect boundaries and limits to my fullest extend and b) failed), She was perfectly ok in nagging at me and wreaking havoc in my brain. Well, when I finally snapped and had a fit at Her and informed Her that a) He lets me defend myself and will only step in if I literally can't defend myself (ie; deity-politics that mortals don't touch nor are aware of), or if I've defended myself to my full capability and failed (and if He judges I still need defending and don't need to deal with the drama/hell that failing at defending myself brings), and b) that She ought to cut it the fuck out and just be fucking patient, because if I'm really stuck with Her then She has time...and She picked Epically Shitty Timing to nag at me.

She stopped, and backed off, after that. She, uh, is one of [personal profile] magelvh77 's patrons, so She's always in the house, and I can't get out of dealing with Her in that wise, but I've been dealing with Her to that degree for some time at this point since I'm dating him. And at least She's not pushing for more than that with me personally. She's a sun goddess, and rather nurturing and good-hearted, even if (IME) She's rather vain and loooooves Her shinies. I don't believe that She intended me that much hell, and Her backing off when it finally sunk in why I was resisting Her so much instead of taking the route of "Oh, well, tough shit, you need to learn to deal, so deal, you're mine" like some others have...backs that up. *sighs* And, yeah, I'll probably have to deal with Her soon enough. Just...not yet. I've got too much on my plate right now to handle that kind of brain-strain.

The other one's less kind and far more catalystic, but seems also to have my well-being in order, because She's been following me around for a few days (which I only found out by accidentally picking up on Her chatting with Athena-and Their voices are nigh identical in my head-while I was talking with said Athena), but barely enough for me to notice even now that I AM paying attention. She was far more harsh and insistent in Her year and a half minimum chase of me, up till the point that She found out that the trauma-responses to Her I was having were ones that I couldn't explain nor identify and which had nothing to do with Her personality nor mythos. She's being careful with me, which I...appreciate, though I know She wouldn't be doing it if it weren't necessary. That it's necessary I grumble at, but, what am I going to do. I can be stubborn and deal with it anyway and land myself in more hell than I need, or I can deal with the fact that I'm more fragile than I'd like with Her. The date for Her showing up matches what I was told to expect, but I suppose now that She's here She's waiting until I can handle it before She starts actively interacting with me.

And....that's been the two weeks, in a nutshell. Sorry for the long update of probably tl;dr long, but...two weeks, and all.

So yeah, I'm back, or at least a little bit. If there's anything with meaty content that people want me to look at, feel free to pm or comment with links. I promise I won't think you arrogant for it. ;) I can't promise quick reading or even that I'll read the entries at all if they have meaty content, because I simply don't have THAT much brainpower yet, I don't think.

Oh, also? [personal profile] charcoalfeathers ? I got your cookies and your note. DEFINITELY fae-cookies, they triggered an Alfar shift. :D I'm already over halfway through the dozen and a half, and they are MARVELOUS. ^.^ Thanks so much for the egg substitute and raw sugar, by the way. *g* That really made my day, and I just about died of the warm fuzzies in the note. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner!  <3333


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