danceofflame_import: (Default)
[personal profile] danceofflame_import
Life's been...interesting...on the other level. And I'm not talking only the war or the kids, either.

The hugest problems revolve around fronting. See, if I'm not in prime front enough, if I don't take the prime seat for too long a time, then I start to lose sense of myself. Ultimately that will cause me to fade. Little known fact: it is possible to believe one'self to death. The literal semantical result is one's spirit unweaving. That whole "I do believe in faeries" bit from Peter Pan, except much more literally. I'm having a hard time remembering that I'm real, because of how little sense of self I'm getting. It's been going on for I kid you not a month or so now. It's really mucking with me, and at this point it's painful for me to hold front because I'm so close to unwoven, which removes my abilities to regain it. I'm having a hard time remembering who the hell I am. I pulled back most of my bilocations to one spot (which is problematic for some places, but necessary) to get all my information back, all my memories, all my identity, everything,'s not good enough. I'll be fine. I remember that much: I'm stubborn, and I've always refused to fail. Fading would be failure. I can't afford that. I AM slowly coming back to myself. But it's...*headshake* I could pull the proud face and say "I'm fine and I'll get by" and just ignore the effect, but this is hell, and I'm not programmed to deal with this kind of hell utterly alone. With a select few, maybe, but alone and behind walls? No. That was the Morrighan who taught me that, that's not me. I'm glad to deal with it because it's just another thing proving that I'm not a ghost, but good GODS. I've never been so glad that I made Lady Black's token what I did.

I'd like to be able to tell everyone what I'll be like tomorrow. I really have no idea, though. I know I'll be going back to work soon, very soon. I was supposed to go back at midnight, but after telling my second and third what today brought (I was injured and got steel in my blood last night and so had until midnight, but then there was trouble with my (new) healers, and then there was this) they looked at me and said "Heal. Then come back.", in a nutshell, I am. I've promised them good mead and brandy for that. I know I need to stay in front. I know I will be in front for a while. At least through the night and the day, no matter what else I'm doing. Fortunately I will also likely have the house to myself at least for the evening tomorrow, if not for most of the day. SPC, I'll be online as soon as I can for calling on Sunday.

Beyond that, I have no idea what to tell anyone and I'm not going to even try to do so. Certainly not in body. I will leave that communication for out of body. What transfers to this world does so, what doesn't doesn't. I'm just getting myself in trouble trying to force it. Now all I need is the strength of will not to run from this shit. Fight or flight, if you will. The horse in me doesn't like this and instinctively I seem to think that fleeing is safer. It's not, of course. It's just remembering that. *shudder*

Here's the other thing though. I'm honestly not sure whether this is perfect timing that I'm managing to mangle, or whether it's horrid timing, but I seem to have walked into a rather hefty dose of memory work. Most of the memories of mine that the body remembers are ones that I already have; it's simply transfer. The days where every dose of memories are new to me, new doors opened I haven't explored or known of, are very few. However, I seem to be enduring a rare exception. And, joy of joys, it's not just one life, it's many, and I'm trying to untangle them all. *headshake* I seem to have found another world (which, annoyingly for the body's sanity, happens to be another "fictive" one) that I spent almost as many lives in as I did Arda. I could not honestly say what the general world's name is, but it's the one the Dragon Age games are set in. Strangely, it wasn't until watching Dragon Age 2 being played by [personal profile] magelvh77  that the doors started to unlock, but eventually they did. The memories are like ooze, and jumbled ooze at that, so not only do I have to untangle all the lives, I have to do so with the memories for each given life being incomplete. Intelligently (note the sarcasm) I decided to start playing Dragon Age: Origins. And, as an extra fun fact, a good number of the characters seen in either game are wandering somewhere around my Inns and/or house. And apparently I'm dating at least one? *headshake* I would get into that, but what would I say? There's not enough there that I'd actually WRITE about publicly, no matter that I'd love to TALK on it. Writing and talking are two completely different things. *sighs*

This is NOT the timing for emotional and mental turmoil, at all. Or maybe it's the perfect time and I ought to put the energy to good use, maybe I ought to start using my chaos-switch again to function since that's what I am. I don't know. But I'm not exactly WELL right now, and I feel guilty for kipping out of so much of the training and preparation...despite the fact that I am conveniently reminded that that's what my officers are for, and I have more detailed and private preparations to make. They're right, of course. I've strategies and rather covert parts of this to take care of, and that can be done around managing myself. And controlling this is not in the picture. My only practical option is to ride out the tornado and simply try to direct it.

On the plus side, the boyfriend picked up some rather marvelous stone ground mustard...


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March 2011

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